Yeah it is like Chinese students got to learn history, and how communist party have given th bright future
Hokay, so here’s the Bible… Chillin.
“Damn, that is a sweet Bible” you might say.
WRONG
Alright.
Ruling out the second coming,
Heaven becoming crashed into us,
Our savior leaving, and reality exploding,
we’re definitely going to burn in hell.
Hokay.
So, basically we’ve got
Adam, Eve, Abraham, Cain, Abel, Joseph, the Hittites, and us with sins.
We’ve got about 2600 more than anybody else…whatever.
Anyway,
one day God decides those Gomorrah sons of a bitches are going down.
So, he launch retribution at Gomorrah.
While it’s on it’s way, Gomorrah is like “SHIT! SHIT! Who the fuck is burning us!?”
“Oh well, rape the visitors!”
Then in Babel Gods like
“Shit guys, zey got ze tower, zey are communicating. Confuse their language!”
“But I am le tired!”
“Well, have a nap, THEN SCATTER THEM!”
Meanwhile, Hebrews are down there like
“WTF, mate?”
Noah, Shem, and God flood all the lands,
so, now we’ve got plagues flying everywhere, passing each other.
Egypt’s like
“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH LOCUSTS!!!”
The Four Horsemen’s like
“‘Bout that time, eh chaps?”
…
“Righto.”
So, now the Church is like
“Fuck. We’re dumbasses.”
Goliath is like
“What’s going on, eh?”
Hebrews are still like
“WTF?”
Mt Olympus is laughing at us
and Pontius Pilate is like
“Well, fuck that.”
Shit, now we’ve got a Messiah.
Everyone’s saved
‘cept Hebrews
and they’re still like
“WTF?”
…
But they’ll be dead soon…fucking Christ deniers.
But
assuming we don’t condemn ourselves up,
us Christians just have to worry about
Jesus breaking off from the Kingdom of Heaven…
to go hang with the Muslims…
Palestinians can come too.
THE END!
Gosh it would be awful if someone taught all those kids that Adam was originally androgynous, that priests are required to perform abortions, that the sin of Sodom was not fully supporting the poor, and that Joseph was a drag queen.
Sure would be a shame.
Just wait until they learn that Jesus was a jew…
Or that part of the Bible was written by a politically motivated king to centralize his power and overturn the checks and balances between the monarchy and priesthood.
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.
Try to imagine how God must look if they are creating both man and woman in their image.
God’s not a woman. God’s not a man.
God is a hung futanari
God creates both man and woman on the 6th day. Where did she go? Why was Eve necessary?
Her name was Lilith, she wasn’t subservient to Adam so she was banished from Eden. She laid with an angel and became the first demon.
At least that’s what’s been pieced together from the Talmund and Jewish folklore.
