21F…

I went through a breakup in April—something I posted about a lot. My ex and I were in a long-distance relationship, so we saw each other occasionally. To be honest, I never cared much about the physical side of things. What mattered to me was the deep emotional connection we shared. While intimacy was nice, it wasn’t constantly on my mind.

After the breakup, we stayed friends for a while, but about a week and a half ago, we decided to cut off contact entirely and move on. It was my decision because I couldn’t handle the pain of feeling ignored anymore—I realized that letting go was the best option.

Since April, I cried almost constantly, but to my surprise, I haven’t shed a tear in the past week. Part of me feels guilty—like I should still be grieving—but I suspect I did most of my mourning during the months when we were still friends. Now, I just feel empty.

This is where things get complicated. My emotions feel numb, my heart feels distant, and I can’t even bring myself to cry anymore, no matter how much I try. I always feared this would happen. When my ex before this one broke up with me, I shut down emotionally, and now I feel like it’s happening again.

About a week ago, I decided to distract myself by hanging out with someone new. When he kissed me, I kissed him back—but as things escalated, I suddenly broke down in tears and left. Since then, we’ve continued seeing each other, but only for physical intimacy. At first, I felt guilty, but now I don’t. Instead, I find myself craving that feeling daily, and I worry I’m getting too attached.

He’s honestly kind of a jerk, but since I’ve already gone down this road, I don’t feel like starting over with someone else. He’s also emotionally detached and a little toxic—he wouldn’t even give me his Instagram. I thought that would bother me, but now that we’re on the same page, his personal life doesn’t seem to matter much.

Still, I feel like I’m stuck in this void where I just want to feel wanted. It’s confusing—I hate that I need this validation, yet I love the satisfaction it brings. At the same time, I deeply crave real emotional intimacy, but I fear I won’t experience that again for years.

The last thing I want is for this rebound situation to start messing with my emotions. He thinks I’ve caught feelings for him, but I haven’t—at least, not in the way he assumes