My dad has recently been caught having an affair with his young personal assistant. Huge scandal; mom was very angry. Now they’re in the middle of divorce proceedings. Mom moved out, the other woman moved in and I chose to stay with him because we’re super close; he’s like my best friend. Now mom’s telling me to go and live with her and go no contact with him cause he’s a bad person and by continuing having a relationship with him I’m condoning his actions and “ignoring her suffering”. My relationship with my dad hasn’t changed, I don’t see why I should end it.

  • whaleross@lemmy.world
    15715·
    3 days ago

    1. Your dad cheated on your mum, not on you.

    2. Everything involving humans is more complex and complicated than it might seem at first glance.

    3. Everybody makes mistakes, even your loved ones.

    4. You only have one dad, so it’s better to forgive them. (I didn’t forgive mine for other mistakes, and that was my mistake. Now I’m old and he is dead and that’s that.)

    5. Your mum is being selfish and manipulative because she is afraid and hurting. It’s not right what she is doing, but see the points above for her as well.

    6. Life is hard and unfair and difficult for everybody. For your dad, for your mum and also for you. It sucks when you’re stuck in the middle of other people’s problems, but remember all of this will pass. And remember to take care of yourself.

    Hugs my dude. You’ll get through this and so will they.

    Edit: 7. Time. Let things take time. Don’t rush what you feel or what you should feel. Don’t go overthinking everything. Things that are complicated need time to settle.

    • UrPartnerInCrime@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
      5318·
      3 days ago

      There’s a bit of difference between making a mistake and stabbing your partner in the back. He could have done it the right way, but he chose to do one of the most emotional hurtful things you can do.

      He betrayed family to get laid

      • whaleross@lemmy.world
        2511·
        3 days ago

        Point number 2. Read it again.

        As of why, we can only speculate. Sometimes a disaster is what is required to get things happening that should have been over a long time ago.

        They are living together already, so it was not only to get laid.

          • whaleross@lemmy.world
            167·
            3 days ago

            Exactly. She moved in after. You are absolutely correct. 10/10 reading comprehension.

            It would be unusual if she moved in before the ex wife moved out.

                • UrPartnerInCrime@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
                  113·
                  3 days ago

                  No, I misread the final sentence. I still agree with everything I said, it was just slightly out of context so I withdrew it

                  But go off just being a dick

                  • whaleross@lemmy.world
                    78·
                    3 days ago

                    Right. I’m the dick that says op should not let themselves be caught in the middle of their parents messy divorce in ways that they might regret later in life and you are the one advocating op go no contact despite us not knowing barely anything about what has been going on or why because this is your hill to show off your moral high ground and insert yourself in some drama that you are immune of consequences. Sure, dude. I’m the dick.

                  • whaleross@lemmy.world
                    43·
                    3 days ago

                    Yeah, I get you and I agree. I already mentioned in another comment that OP is included in point two and it is ok that they have strong feelings about this. It grinds my gears though when people on social media go full binary in driving other people’s lives into the gutter because they can project themselves as morally superior or whatever other reason. That’s me point two right there.

        • UrPartnerInCrime@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
          1920·
          3 days ago

          My dad has recently been caught having an affair with his young personal assistant… Mom moved out, the other woman moved in

          Staying makes it pretty clear OP is choosing a side. Theyd rather have a cool friend dad than an actual parent

          Edit: not only was dad willing to blow up his family to get his dick wet, but he’s also cool with abusing his power for said reason

            • UrPartnerInCrime@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
              97·
              3 days ago

              Maybe not in a perfect world. But here there are clearly very opposing sides.

              Even if the dad is cool about it and makes it seem like choosing to stay with him isn’t picking a side, it still is

              My recommendation is not to side with the guy who not only had an affair but invited Ms side peice to live in their old family home

            • Jhuskindle@lemmy.world
              11·
              2 days ago

              Between an immoral piece of sh and a person who was dedicated and believed they weren’t yes there are sides.

              Father isn’t just committing an act of betrayal, which he does to the person he loves, so op will definitely also be fair game for betrayal, father is also abusing his seat of power over his very young employee which is called coertion or quid pro quo and is UNACCEPTABLE. The fact OP could look into the eyes of a man who would betray him without a second thought is just cope.

              Eventually it will sink in how horrific this was and op I am sure being moral themselves hopefully will take moms side.

              Normal to go through a period of shock or denial before it sinks in.

            • UrPartnerInCrime@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
              1318·
              3 days ago

              Nah. I’ll keep my family values

              You can go have fun blowing up a family and chalk it up to “whoops. Just another mistake”

              • skye@lemmy.world
                152·
                3 days ago

                If you are this allergic to nuance, I recommend staying away from threads that require logical/rational breakdowns of heavily-emotional topics.

                You can’t just jump the gun (having fun blowing up families) about someone just because they answered OOPs question in an impartial manner.

                So if you seriously cannot engage with this topic without resuming to attacks, I implore you to take a step back, reasess, and move on to something else.

                  • UrPartnerInCrime@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
                    45·
                    3 days ago

                    Not from Kansas. Well traveled and have seen a bunch of relationships. I’ve seen people get divorced and I’ve seen infidelity.

                    I have immeasurably more respect for those that get divorced no matter how hard it is. Breaking the vow through being a cheater is about as low as you can go.

                    Sorry you don’t hold marriage to sanctity it should be

                • UrPartnerInCrime@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
                  79·
                  3 days ago

                  Nah. Im allowed to do whatever I want.

                  And I want to call out people for excusing an affair. The dad could have done it the right way, like an actual adult. Asking for a divorce is hard, but immeasurably easier emotionally to the person you make a commitment to than sneaking around and finally getting caught WITH YOUR ASSISTANT

                  • skye@lemmy.world
                    61·
                    3 days ago

                    No one is excusing an affair. People are merely trying to help OOP navigate an emotionally complex situation: wanting to keep contact with their father despite the circumstances, and wondering if their mother’s actions are justifiable or not.

                    You can do whatever you want, but that does not absolve you of consequences.

                    I only gave you genuine advice, taking breaks/disengaging is helpful. I cannot force you, ofcourse, there’s only so much I can do.

                    So please consider above, and have a nice day

              • whaleross@lemmy.world
                53·
                3 days ago

                I’m curious to learn what you think about your username in this context? What crime are you partner in and is it only breaking a partnership that is an unforgivable crime?

    • josefo@leminal.space
      171·
      3 days ago

      I mostly agree with this comment. I want to emphasize two things:

      • Your mom is now alone, and probably feels like you are choosing him instead of her. She must feel very rejected as a person, betrayal is not something you easily recover from, the more time they spent together, the harder it is to separate yourself from the situation. She will eventually get better, but take into consideration that she is desperate now.
      • Depending on how old are you, I would suggest leaving your house, either to go with your mom (see above) or living alone/with roomates if you are an adult. Your dad bringing the woman to your house raises some big red flags to me. Something is not right there, I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.

      That said, don’t cut your dad out of your life, but your mom is alone and betrayed, and your dad isn’t. If I were to support someone here, would be her, without cutting anyone from your life.

    • Venus_Ziegenfalle@feddit.orgEnglish
      201·
      3 days ago

      I agree with almost everything you said except 4. is only true for past mistakes. I don’t think you should excuse ongoing, genuinely harmful behaviours just because that person will be gone one day. Not that I necessarily think that’s what you meant but I wanted to emphasise it.

      • whaleross@lemmy.world
        121·
        3 days ago

        Absolutely. That post was not a list of commandments. It was intended as support for OP in this very moment that they are having a crisis.

    • Alxe@lemmy.world
      111·
      3 days ago

      Honestly, I’m very happy that your post has the highest score.

      All other people are spewing vitriol over either parent and not even trying to be understanding. Life is about making and learning from mistakes, and mistakes can be oh-so-horrible at times. Character value is measured by how well you navigate the stormy waves, and there’s almost never a single correct choice.

      • whaleross@lemmy.world
        61·
        3 days ago

        Thanks. Yeah, anything relationship oriented tends to become completely and binary moral high ground burn all bridges and salt the earth from people that have no stake in it except to have a short moment of hormones pumping before they scroll to the next bit of entertainment.

      • UrPartnerInCrime@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
        1010·
        3 days ago

        One choice is helping a faithful parent grieve, the other is to say fuck you to that person and stand by a cheater.

        Such a difficult choice.